Chapter 10: A Thousand Times More

A thousand times more cheerful than the past

A thousand times more sadness than the past

A thousand times more devastated than the past

A thousand times more genial than the past

      And……

A thousand times lonelier than the past…

      Solemnizing thoughts about the throbbing past that haunted one’s mind. Never to think this will change one’s whole life; both happy and agony. Even if it against one’s will. Whenever you are in a dire situation and you eventually cannot solve this one, I want to ask you one thing;

            Did you ever feel regret about it?

      For once, I thought. This is a worst decision at all. Every time, tears will flow down endlessly, involuntarily. Deceived by everyone’s treatment towards me. Their smile, a sinister smile. I despised it the most. Can you imagine when you want to heal the wounds properly and someone had just rip your heart apart, too deep to enclose it back? It not just for you only. It happens to everyone, no doubt. Even if you said “I’m fine,” you just hiding the fact inside yourself.

            Depression

      Silent thoughts when you even think about their perspectives, their judgement. Who’s the one that controls your own life? You and you alone. Hey! You have your own life and so do others. They can only encourage you, not controlling you like a puppet. They can mad at you for a good reason, not abusing your personality. They can mock your inferiority but not sarcastically ‘praising’ your advantages.

     

      Even you cannot change yourself

      Even you cry because of them

      Even you mad of yourself

      Even you despise yourself the most

            Eventually…

      It’s a part of your own self.

            Try…

                  Try to change yourself, their perspectives

Even if it is mean…

      You need to ‘sacrifices’ yourself

            Just to make them happy

Not worrying about your broken self.

      The way you look at their eyes; staring at two pools of lies, still wondering, whether they told you the real truth. The most confusing truth.

        What’s your real relationship with them?

      Do they treat you like a friend does?

      Do they care about you like a family does?

      Do they furious with you for good like your brother and sister do?

Till then, I always think about it, still not getting the right answer. Being independent is not enough after all. Somehow, you just need a company. Not just simply a lover or something else. Finding the one that really knows you the best; your true personality, not a fake one. A thousand time better than anything. Grabbing this person for one’s sincerity to know and care for you. The way that you like the most because…

      Everyone have their rights to get a better life. Better than your past. He shows you the best path for you. He knows the best for you. Trust and believe Him. Insha Allah. You will get…

            A thousand times more happiness.