Random Talk #07: Replacement

Assalamualaikum wbt.

To replace a broken heart is not easy. It is not like, you operate your body, take your heart that is full of wounds and cuts and replace it with the brand new heart. It is not like that!

I always feel heartbroken. Every single days I face with the same thing all over again. It feels like I deserved to get a deja vú everyday because of my own mistakes. They will think I'm happy with my own life. Live the way that you want. But, at the same time, you feel guilty for the one you let them trust you the most in their life.

I always feel like I'm just a replacement for the one who should be with them. I always feel like that. Even if they say that it is not like that. The way they treat you is different when they are with their true besties. A replacement for not miss them too much. That is how it works in my world. Sometimes, they might say,

"Hey! That's too much! I never think like that for God's sake!"

But then, the way they tell you the story about their friends, it is surely does its job well. Their facial expressions when they told you about their story are priceless. The secrets? They will not tell anything to someone they are not close too, which is true for some points as it is a privacy for them. Not to someone they suddenly called you and ask for a walk and chit chat. Nope.

Yes. You can say I am jealous about them. Their relationship, their never-ending friendship. There's a reason why I have that jealousy. Because I don't have anything like that in my whole life. All I think is I am just a replacement for someone who can't be with them for awhile. So they just bring me anywhere to fill their emptiness from that group or their partner. Yes, you can say I'm too overthinking about that simple thing but that's how I feel from all these years. Even when someone say,

"Please. Just move on." Or

"Don't think too much about it,"

"We care for you,"

And anything else, few words I ask to them;

"Till when?"

"Is it easy to move on like there's nothing to think of?"

Till now, I don't know who is the one I don't feel like you are replacing someone you care the most with me. Still searching up until now. And, you can say that I'm too dependant towards them when I get closer. To avoid it from happen, I locked my other self in the furthest locker, with chains and locks around it so that I will not feel sad or despair about it and I pray that I will not feel that way towards them anymore. I hope that emotional disease that I have right now can be heal throughout this time, until the time has come for me to leave them the way they are right now.

For the one who will forget me in the future, fading in silence the memories we have from the past. Like it is never exist in our life before...

#RandomTalk #justasimplejournal